the truth

it's been a while since i've given a real post. i think mostly because i've been dealing with hard/heart issues and haven't really known what to say or how to say it. i guess i'll start from the beginning...
part 1-church fellowship and reasons for going to church
even as i'm writing this i have to remind myself, "church isn't about friends." you don't go to church to be with friends, make friends, etc. we go to church to worship the Lord, to be trained in the Word and to have fellowship with other believers. we're also a part of a local church to use our gifts that the Lord has given us, that the body of Christ may become mature. fellowship is just one facet. but God created us for relationships, not only with Him, but with other people as well. so it makes sense to desire realness and depth. i always go back to Romans 1:11-12 "i long to see you that i may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong, that is that you and i may be mutually encouraged by one another." paul wrote several times that he longed or desired to be with a certain body of believers. so i know that fellowship/community is supposed to be a part of the church.
however, it's not been that way for me since march. i've gone to church to hear the word and to worship the Lord. but many Sundays i've gone because it was the right thing to do. UGH!!!! i can't believe i've been one of those people!!!!
part 2-a burden for truth and unity
my mom found out some hard things about her church and it's liberalness. a few months ago she was distraught on a Sunday morning not knowing what to do. i also had just been feeling a burden that our family should be in church together. so we prayed that God would just give us direction.
part 3-visions
i always have these really weird and vivid dreams. and sometimes they come true. i know it's silly. like deja vu. but there are moments when i know i've had a conversation before and i know it's because i've dreamt it. so i've been praying that God would given me a real vision, not just something silly like one of my students asking for help in math.
and i think He did. a few weeks ago i dreamt that my whole family was in church together.
part 4-frustrations
so i've been dealing with this burden and vision of being in church with my family and not having fellowship in my own church. and i haven't been to church in 3 weeks. (1 week doesn't count because i was out of town.) every Sunday morning my mom and i meet in the living room and say, "what are we going to do? where are we going to church?" and we don't know. and we pray. and i cry. and we get on the internet and look up churches in the area. and i get frustrated because there's so much i don't understand about the Word and what God really cares about when it comes to church and the fact that my family won't go to a southern baptist church and how am i supposed to cross denominational lines and are there other churches that teach what i believe to be true and where are they and if i don't go to a southern baptist church how will i go to golden gate seminary and why did i think i was supposed to join my church and how can i just leave? so that's a lot of frustration and stuff to deal with. and i've just been carrying it. and it's affected my relationship with Jesus. and HELLO, i haven't been to church in three weeks. and what made me the saddest about not going to "my church" is that i didn't care that i wasn't going to "my church."
part 4-the decision
so we're going to try a church on Sunday called Celebration Church. it's come up in some random conversations with coworkers and acquaintances. it's different and it's a stretch, but i feel like it's the right step.
part 5-confirmation
i was still thinking about it yesterday and this morning as i was lying in bed, i feel like God said, "church membership is a man-made law." and right after that i was reminded about something i read this week in My Utmost about being loyal to Jesus and nothing and no one else. i'm NOT saying that we shouldn't join churches. but i do need to be loyal to Christ. not to "my" convictions, denomination, church, ministry, etc. (mmmm...even as i'm writing this i'm reminded of Jesus asking Peter, "do you love Me more than these?") i don't want to be like the pharisees, who were so set in their ways and laws that A) they didn't recognize the Savior when He was staring them in the face and B) they weren't willing to budge from they way things had always legalistically been done.
part 6-call for prayer
without faith it is impossible to please God. so if we take the flip of that...faith pleases God.
but it's still scary.
i know my readers pretty well...i can guess that you're thinking one of two things
1. stop being such a baby!
2. oh my gosh, are you sure about stepping away from a southern baptist church?
well, that's what i'm thinking and that's probably what i'd say to one of you if you were in my situation.
just if you read this, pray that I'd be loyal to Jesus. pray the fulfillment of the vision-the Hastings family in church...and not just in church, but loving Jesus. pray that we'd be directed to the church God wants us to be a part of. pray for my old church/sunday school to continue to grow in depth and breadth.