"What do you want me to do for you?"

i was thinking this morning that if Jesus asked me this question, i don't know how i'd respond. but then i thought, well the blind dude's answer was a pretty good one.

"i want to see."

i think it not only applies to physical sight, but also spiritual.
i want to see You glorified
i want to see Your will be done
i want to see Your vision for my life
the list goes on

later as i was biking through the neighborhood, i listened to a matt chandler sermon about the blessings and woes found in Luke 6. i have to DAILY if not hourly repent because i try to have it all figured out. (seriously, i think God's going to keep me in this place of "absolutely, positively no idea what's next and waiting on God's direction" until i figure out how to live there contently and with thanksgiving) but we are blessed if we are poor in spirit...if we realize just how in need of God we are. we are blessed if we hunger and thirst after righteousness. but woe to us if we are content with where we are in our walk. woe to us if we are self-sufficient.

my favorite thing that he said was, "it's ok that you're not ok. you're dysfunctional; so are we."
we're all messed up. we all have baggage. none of us have it figured out (and if we do, woe to us!) it's a good thing when we have to cry out to God saying, "Lord, i just can't figure this out! i'm desperate for truth and i want to see your will be done. HELP!"

church and a divine appointment with my nurse practitioner

i'm very excited because i think i've found a church. in fact i'm quite sure of it. there's nothing spectacular about it, except the peace i feel being there. i even went sunday night AND to an orientation for their women's mentoring ministry on monday.
normally, i am a chicken. i'm so afraid to make decisions and to step out in faith unless i'm SURE i heard from God. i know that without faith it's impossible to please God. but when i'm not hearing anything from Him, i'm so afraid i'll step out in sin, make a wrong decision and it will backfire and have repercussions.
so for me to talk to people before slipping out the door sunday morning was a big step. it's so nice that God knows how much we desire fellowship and ministry. i think i know what paul meant when he wrote to the romans "i long to see you so that i may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong that is that you and i may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith" (1:11-12). i was craving fellowship like i never have.

so today i had a follow-up appointment with the nurse practitioner (i've never actually met the doctor though she signs off on my perscriptions...long story short, i was having weird headaches, i have a muscle strain and am going to PT and taking muscle relaxers and am feeling much better). so we're talking about how i'm feeling and i tell her some of it is probably just stress.

karen: what are you stressed about?
me: well, i have no job, i don't know what i want to do, i have no friends, and i couldn't find a church
karen: oh, but have you found a church now?
me:i think i have
karen:where is it?
me: it's off route 16, called turning point at calvary
karen: THAT'S MY CHURCH! i knew you were going to say that!
me: shut up!

we laughed and then had a sweet little counseling session. she told me i could use her for a reference, she's best friends with the lady who runs the mentoring ministry, she encouraged me to get involved with bible study and told me about a couple christian schools i might be able to teach at, etc.

it was sweet and has had me smiling all day.

i was tagged

so i was finally catching up on some blog reading...isn't it so sad that it's come to reading ABOUT people on their personal web pages rather than TALKING TO THEM to find out what's going on in their lives?! and i saw that i got tagged (whatever that means) by my good friend Stephanie Trook (by the way, Stephanie, mate, they speak English in Austraila).

The directions - Share five random and/or weird facts about yourself, and then share the five top places on your “want to see or want to see again” list, and finally tag five people.

Randomness:
1. i NEVER respond to emails that tag/survey/etc (but i will read what you write about yourself) and i find it interesting that i'm responding via the blog
2. i LOVE rollercoasters
3. i have become addicted to coffee and the caffiene it contains and must drink it every morning
4. i would get another tatoo if Jesus thought it was ok
5. i HATE baked beans and potato salad and so it's always weird for me a 4th of july picnics when i have just a hamburger and chips on my plate

Places to go:
1. Ireland
2. Southern California
3. anywhere i can snorkel (without being attacked by a shark)
4. i would definitely go back to Prague-2 days just wasn't enough
5. Africa (missions + safari=happy)

5 taggees
1. Brianna
2. Sammi
3. Sarah Fraser Uptmore
ummm....i don't think anyone else ever reads my blog...sorry if i just offended you because you do read it

the most important thing

i was thinking this morning...maybe stressing is a better word (though i'm trying really hard not to). there are several things that are up in the air right now...things that i don't know how to move forward on, or if i should move forward at all. for example:
where should i go to church?
where should i get a job?
what kind of job do i even want to get?
should i go to seminary?
should i write that book i've been thinking about?
just to name a few.
so as i was thinking i felt compelled to meditate on John 15:16 "you did not choose me, but i chose you and have appointed you to go and bear fruit-fruit that will last. then the Father will give you whatever you ask for in my name." and i reasoned with myself, "ok, i didn't choose this walk with God. HE chose me. He's got a plan" (i keep telling myself that last part). and then i thought, "so what's the most important thing?" well, it's to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind." duh.
when they asked Jesus what was the most important commandment, He didn't say, "be holy" (though that is really important). He also didn't say, "find out the will of God and do it." Neither did He say, "please God." i think that all of those things fit under loving God, but they are not the main idea. LOVE GOD.
what the heck does that mean? i know what it means, but when that's supposed to be priority #1, what does that look like in my daily life?
i think i know the answer, but i feel like it should be something phenomenal.
is it really that simple?

God gave me a car

you should read the sermon on the mount, specifically matthew 6:25-34. i've probably read it a hundred times in my life, and every time i read i'm continually reminded that we're not supposed to worry. in fact, Jesus actually says, "So do not worry saying, 'what shall we eat?' or 'what shall we drink?' or 'what shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things, will be given to you as well. There fore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

so a few weeks ago i was gently reminded of this truth by the loving Holy Spirit. you know how it is when you make a big transition in your life...or perhaps you don't so i'll just tell you what i was thinking:
"ok, i'm moving home from Romania. i have no job prospects. i am going to be living with my parents. i have no car. i have health insurance...for just 9 months...but i have to pay for that. i have no local friends. i have no church. ok God, i'm going to trust you. You are my heavenly Father and you care about the little things like what i'm going to eat and drink and wear, so i know you must care about these bigger things too. i'm not sure how it's all going to work out, but i choose to seek you first, to trust you."

the next day i had an email from someone telling me they wanted to give me a car.
i had to read it a couple times to make sure i was reading it right.
i even had to have a friend read it...just in case.
woah.
talk about "all these things will be given"

i know it's hard to trust God when you have know idea what's next. i know it's hard to trust God when you're not sure how you're going to make ends meet (um...this wasn't the first time He came through for me...it was just the biggest). i'm not saying that God's going to give you a car or that you'll go out to your mailbox and find $100.

i am saying you need to be faithful with what He's given you. you need to realize that it's all His anyways, and that you need to be a thankful steward of it. and just trust Him. seek Him. spend time getting to know Him. find out what the heck it means to "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness." your Heavenly Father cares about the little stuff as well as the big stuff. and most of all He cares about you getting to know Him.

unemployment

i have a new respect for the unemployed, for people who say they can't find a job.
i personally have never really had to look for a job. sure when i was in high school and college, i needed a part time job. but this is different than making a career change.
i just got back from Romania...three weeks and a day ago to be exact. i thought i'd want to relax, enjoy resting, but i'm ready to move on.
but i don't know what to move on towards.
i've looked for jobs online...and there are a lot out there. grated i'm not qualified for all of them, but probably 30% i could at least apply for. and i'm not one to try these "get rich by working from home" things...it just seems a little shady to me.
but of these...let's say 30 jobs...none of them seem to be where i want to be. some of them are even areas that i've worked in before.
it's hard, but i'm past having a job just to make money. i know i've got to work (those who don't work, don't eat), but i just want to find something that is fulfilling.
so i understand people who say, "i can't find a job." they mean they can't find a job that would make them happy.
if it came down to it, if i had a family to support, i could work retail or in the food industry. but i'm really praying that i don't have to do that.

preface

life happens. whether we want it to or not, it just keeps going. the world doesn't stop when things get out of hand.
truth exists. people try to deny it, but Jesus is Truth and we meet up with Him through the Word of God.
i don't know about you, but i want to let the Word of God change my life.
at this point of my life:
i'm unemployed
churchless
i just moved in with my parents
and have no contacts in the area
sounds close to pathetic...but i'm actually pretty excited.
i'm curious what's going to happen as i let Truth intersect with life